Author: kellasandra

i search for your shadow

in every one i see

this desolate ghost without a home

filled with encompassing silences

and internalized screams

we lost ourselves

in my love and madness

in your arduous mind

in my beautiful mess

in your paradise and hell

our own damaged collection

of imperfect imperfections

these yesterdays come back round

to haunt my thoughts

slipping in and out of seasons

leaving just a trace

of an indifferent acceptance

of our incomplete ending

when can it be

acceptable to recognize

how warm a heart can be

for a pure love

a lifetime is really not long at all

to live wholeheartedly for once

to burn, just once

when will it be

permissible to realize

our existence is just a short while

to laugh, to dream, to live, to love

to remember, to forget, to regret

with the courage to disregard everything else

to pursue such a love

when should it be

tolerable to memorize

these measured thoughts

to live without fear

to love without an end

today’s destiny should be that

can love be that, just for today

Two men are standing in front of a store, one young and one old, turn to each other, giving a nod and a smile.  Another moment passes and it seems they are clearly waiting for their persons to come out.  There is a poster in the window of a couple on a beach at sunset with a drink logo – a picture filled with promises of love, relaxation and fun.  The young man turns towards the gentleman and asks, ‘walking on a beach right now seems like a farfetched dream, have you ever seen the sunrise or sunset with someone you love like that?  He sees the gentleman wave to his person standing at the register and answers ‘I don’t need too.  I can see the sunrise in her smile, just pure glowing sunshine.  I can see the sunset in her eyes, with flickers of gold, calming warmth.  When she speaks, I can’t seem to hear anything else.  Wouldn’t you want to walk beside that person for as long as you can, anytime…anywhere? ‘

loneliness cannot be heard

in all the words

that leave my tongue

when did I become so numb

in this addictive love

I’ve lost myself and then some

in shining, shimmering moments

in fragments of realities

without given a choice

I still hear your voice

in echoes and shadows

in pages of memories

torn from my mind

please be lost in my past

is all I can ask

and I’ll find my peace

alone here in my aftermath

my departure is calling me

his outstretched hands cradle my fears

accepting tomorrows that will never be

and asks for my final prayers…

kiss me with lips goodbye

and for those i leave behind

can I stand still in your memory

can I be the north star in your sky

can i be a beacon in your lost ocean

can i still be your lullaby

i promise to rest in time

if this flawless ending is kind

kiss me with lips goodbye

and i made departure mine

I used to look forward to just a few hours off, let alone a whole morning or even a day.
Now I don’t know how to fill up the time.
Miss the bakery at 4am or the restaurant at last call. The vendors, the markets, the customers, hell even the inspectors.
Miss who would call out that day, figuring which station you would be at, knowing if you went on the line, they would worry about you going off menu & food costs would go up.
Miss putting on a clean apron to talk to customers, spending too much time at their tables.

Miss the ingredients, getting to be creative. No one ever minded being guinea pigs, screaming out ‘taste testers’ to see who comes running. Surprised when the parking valet showed up but hey, new set of taste buds, I didn’t care.
Miss burn cream, Band Aids, butterflies and super glue (don’t ask)
Miss walking down the street & peoples’ reactions of you walking by, usually of them getting hungry, my hair & clothes scented by Vanilla, Chocolate, Citrus & smiling when Matcha confounded them.
Still don’t like cooking for one. A bowl of cereal will do, again.

Missing most are my fellow comrades – chefs, bakers, line cooks, dishwashers, runners, bartenders & servers.
Coming in everyday was an adventure. Whose day was it today always made it interesting. That person got to choose the music (dance moves in non skids are not recommended) learn new words (I know how to swear in at least 4 languages) & made our employee meals (garbage rice is the best).
Really only stuck to one type of schedule:
Bubble tea break @ 9a
Cortadita kick @ 2p
Wine tasting @ 4p
Bourbon @ 10p (they wouldn’t let me near the ice pick )
Find something open to eat after the shift ends
I miss it all – conversations, meals, dancing, singing, drinks.
I miss being part of that ride, every day.

I need goodbye to mean forever this time

its getting hard to carry

this portrait of a dying heart

of always standing in your rain

of regrets that were collected along the way

on this path of love and madness

where all the streetlights look the same

can i be your insomnia

can i be your time

would you guide me

when I need a place to hide

a place inside whispered words

to be lost in your rain

hidden in the pain

I’ll watch over you

if you travel somewhere new

how far it doesn’t matter

I’ll go with you

it will be okay

if we’re lost along the way

you were there

even in the moments

you couldn’t see

taking me to be

comfortable in where I’m going

stardust from the skies

on wings of paper butterflies

flies time back to you

slowly without knowing

at the end of that moment

your tempest breached

those walls of a crying soul

and the words began to crumble

under the weight of heart shaped wreckage

of scars whispering ‘I’m back’

and under the cover of this darkness

and in its loudest moment of silence

appeals are uninvited

unallowed feelings are quieted

suffocating a heart that wants to give up this fight

this love is not love

this love is not love