kellasandra's musings
i say goodbye to you again
you and your steel angel
two days
two weeks
two years
knowing a greater expectation
is asked by all below
you never minded the call
their heeding, their needing
you and your steel angel
return to the sky
valiantly circling from above
watches over my honored heart
and says goodbye again
can i fill this need
with one pour of me
a soul dark and bitter as italian espresso
seduce my stranger with scents of
jamaican blue mountains
touched by jakartan skies
and raindrops on machiatto kissed skin
dripping columbian curls with caramel ribbons
caress whip cream pillowed lips
sweetened with a french kiss
can i fill your need
with one sip of me
consume me
keep me up
keep me waiting
just one question i want to ask
how do you want me in the morning
how do you take your coffee
March is here
this haunting banner that means war
summons the deathly shallows of Winter
trapping me in its bitter isolation
a hesitant pattern of constant graying ground
and sobering frigid skies
surrounded by sulking naked trees in vertical slumber
held captive in silenced stillness
and its hollow breathless sighs
with darkness encompassing most hours
of somber scenes I can’t remember
and quiet stars lost in falling frozen tears
impatiently waiting for its first full moon
my March is here again
Lost in the journal of these memories
of tattered thoughts in papered ink
that try to seduce the stranger inside
attempting possession of this weary heart
with collapsing assurances of hollow words
Leave me to myself I beg
before I surrender to time
to appreciate the fallout
to be the alchemist of my normality
to embrace the ordinary within it
this endless basement
in my mind
I lost myself
in the kindest lie colors that were so fragrant
yet flowers they were not only knotweed of my past
this fertile soil these defiant roots
makes violent twisted pavement
tripping my solitary shadow
of a heart forever vacant
without you
how to begin again
as one, together
we can’t fully embrace each others realities
if we choose not to remember, such a beautiful lie
nonetheless
we can learn to humbly show the truths hidden in tall tales
we can acknowledge the need for emancipation
and not be defeated by these missteps
nevertheless
maybe in our implicit prayers
maybe in our silent testimony
we can choose to be a little more
I wonder sometimes if I can find somewhere you don’t exist how I have lived
are in these moments
only I will remember
always trying to make it to dawn
without disappearing into empty dreams always trying
to fly far away
without crippled wings always trying to soothe this thirsty soul without losing myself
and I wonder sometimes if time has stopped for you too
I would still choose you
never minded being your mistake
the perception of their greed
the sounds of their madness their disregard of our hearts
these thoughts born from their words
without ever knowing how we loved
I will still be standing here
defiantly dreaming under this purple sky
knowing its someone else’s shade every moment you were in
captured this beautiful lie these memories can be your home
framing our brief existence in your mind
I will always still love you
would you have recognized my heart
disappearing into myself
hiding from you
trying to change this landscape
exhausting explaining why
wishing today never happened
testing this fragile hold on my normality
dismantling these memories
battling internal and external forces
crashing into your combustible headspace fighting the tomorrows not yet past would I have loved you then
it’s all for you
it’s all because of you
it’s all from you
it’s all filled with you
it’s all thanks to you
it’s all i know
it’s all yours
it always will be you